HOW TO DRIVE A GOOD WOMAN AWAY

Hey Guys! Let me give you some pointers for really winning over the ladies!
[Oh, this should be good....]

1) HEDGE YOUR BETS. Meet a terrific girl. Call her, instant message her, confide in her, and spend lots of time with her. But don’t bother to actually ask her out or let her know about your feelings. (For that matter, don’t even admit these feelings to yourself.) That way, if you meet someone you like better, you can let go of her without feeling guilty.

[Guess what—women pick up on this. It won’t be long before your girl gets tired of playing understudy and looks for another leading man.]

2) FLEE FROM ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING COMMITMENT. Even if you really like a woman, don’t ask her out, because she’ll rope you into a marriage proposal by month’s end. Of course, don’t give her the benefit of the doubt—all single women your age are looking for a lifetime commitment on the first date, right?

[Question: Why would you assume a woman’s agenda going into a dating relationship is any different from yours?]

3) POLISH UP YOUR HALO. Super-long prayers full of ÒtheesÓ and ÒthousÓ impress a girl. If you project an image of true sainthood, women will swarm around you like bees drawn to honey. Hyper-sanctification and moral condescension are your ticket to sure-fire success.

[This approach may look good on paper (and to your 90-year-old grandma), but the reality is, you’re human—and you’ll fall off the pedestal soon enough. When you do, it’s a long way down.]

4) BRING YOUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE—WOMEN MAKE IDEAL LUGGAGE-HANDLERS. If you have lots of baggage, look for someone too nice, vulnerable, and naive to reject you. Then you can enter into a cozy co-dependent relationship where she rescues you from all your hang-ups and takes the place of your mommy (if Mommy agrees, of course).

[However nurturing a woman is, she can never, underline never, meet a man’s emotional needs; that has to be done by God. Women who tend so much to the needs of others that they neglect themselves frequently have low self-esteem and don’t set healthy boundaries—does this really sound like a recipe for success?]

5) SERIAL DATE. If you find a nice girl with a lot of friends and roommates, don’t be afraid to upgrade to one of them. Discretion will only hold you back—if you join a singles’ group at church, you should make the most of it by dating every girl there. Of course, when you go out with someone, tell her she’s the only one you’re interested in so she won’t get jealous.

[If you think girls won’t compare notes, you’re dead wrong. You can only imagine what conversations are like when a guy starts making the rounds among a circle of acquaintances.]

6) LET HER KNOW WHO’S BOSS. The Bible says women should submit to men, though most don’t like to hear it. First, look for someone who won’t reject you. Next, show off your extensive knowledge, highlighting scriptures where women submit to men. Be sure she understands exactly what you want in a wife and is willing to comply.

[Sound like a joke? There really are guys who do such things. Paul teaches that a husband should give himself up for his wife as Christ gave Himself up for the church—but if you’re worried about who’ll be boss in a relationship, you’re not ready to have one.]

7) ACT DESPERATE. Loitering around all-girl gatherings like a fly on sticky paper should eventually yield a date. But if not, park yourself in the singles’ group till you get one. If this doesn’t work, put out the word that you’re definitely available and searching for the Òperfect mate.Ó If you still can’t find a partner, pick someone you like and inform her God told you she’s the one for you.

[What would happen if you begged off the single’s scene altogether and just started doing the stuff you genuinely like to do? Maybe you’d meet someone else who likes to do the same stuff you like . . .]

Our seven-point list is far from exhaustive, and, as you may have already guessed, it’s a parody. Nevertheless, we asked a number of Christian women we trust—of varying ages and marital status—to share their negative dating experiences with Christian men. Before you protest, you should know they all made this clear: they each know some wonderful Christian men and annoying Christian women. But they also agreed that sharing a bit of their own perspective and advice was worthwhile if it might help make a few Christian dating relationships healthier and more rewarding.